Morbid Like That - TMI

If you are my mother or husband or don't like TMI posts, pretend this post is about making some lovely snowflakes and go visit How About Orange.

I have been cleaning all day, vacuuming this and dusting that. The reasons are twofold: one, we are expecting some rather lovely people who have been supportive of Ty and know of his love for music to enjoy singing from Mindy Gledhill and a few of the Lower Lights AND two, I am having surgery right before Christmas.

So.

Must clean the house in case, you know...the unthinkable happens. Because worse than leaving this world sooner than you're ready to is leaving it with a dirty house.

Right. Back to steaming the shower and scrubbing the floors.

(No, I really don't think I'm going to die on the table, I'm just a wee bit superstitious. Clean house = nothing bad will happen.) Anyone else like this?

I am also busy making treats, please to eat them all when you come.

P.S. The surgery is not a big deal, my baby-maker is just being rude and uncooperative and must vacate the premises. I will miss you baby-maker, and thank you for growing my five lovely babies. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

P.P.S. I know the timing seems strange, right before Christmas and all, but when you can't lift for 6 weeks and you have an 85 lb. son who requires daily lifting....well then, you have to do it when your husband is home and can help. That, dearies, is just life.

And now if you'll excuse me, my wood floor is begging to be polished.

Cramming it down your throat

Sometimes I read a book, and that book makes my skin crawl with its (how should I put this?) message. Its blatant self-importance is like ice water to the face. Sometimes this type of book is full of anti-religious material, but sometimes it's over-the-top church. In either case I usually CAN'T finish it.

Not that there is anything wrong with church and writing it into stories (after all, spirituality can be a huge part of a person's life), but turning something I believe in into sappy, corny smash-the-wedding-cake-in-your-face with the preaching/judging/narrow world view just gets me all riled up. Yes you may be happier if you marry someone with common beliefs, but to insinuate that anyone who doesn't subscribe to your religion will make you unhappy or will doom you to a life of heartache? That anyone who looks different than a straight-laced, high-collared church goer is EVIL? That I have a hard time with. Or maybe it's just the generalizing and throwing everyone in the same category that gets me.

I just read a train-wreck of such a book, but I couldn't look away. I had to know just how much worse it was going to get. And worser it really got. It is exactly the sort of book that sets young girls up to think Twilight is great literature (not that Twilight doesn't have its place, but still).

Is it possible for an author to write religion into a story without it becoming a battering ram and its own in-your-face character? I want to know have YOU read a book where it's obvious (okay, besides Les Mis) that God is a big part of a main character's life without feeling like the author was giving you a song and dance routine? Maybe I just appreciate a little more subtlety.

Totally Magic

So the four year old walked in on one of the males in our household using the "facilities."

Are you peeing? she asked with a tone of incredulity.

Uh, yeah. He says as he turns away from her even more and finishes.

As she tries to get a better look, How are you even doing that?

Is it magic?

Consider yourself warned, we cannot get her to stop picking locks around here.

Just Peachy

A lot of things happen hypothetically around here. For instance, while we were out of town one of our children may have slipped out front on a Sunday afternoon to enjoy nature.

And that child may have just wandered a bit, and perhaps drifted a block or so north. Said child may also have met up with friends, one of whom may have had the idea to go "peaching."

This is where I explain to you that "peaching" (hypothetically) entails grabbing peaches off the tree and pitching them (hypothetically) at houses or in the street. And also where said child, thinks in his/her head that it's probably not a good idea but also fears embarrassment at being a bit of a goodie-goodie.

The friends may target the bishop's house perhaps even using the bishop's own peaches. Did I mention that perhaps we were out of town? Meanwhile, my aunt may likely be frantically trying to locate said child who seems to have disappeared off the earth.

When the bishop possibly discovers their hypothetical misdemeanor, said child wishes he/she had disappeared off the face of the earth.

Seriously? Now? Can I go back to church in a different neighborhood?

P.S. Don't worry, had this actually happened said child would have felt horribly for his/her actions and written a profuse apology promising to stand up for right in the future. Had I been there, we would've cleaned up the hypothetical mess together while reviewing the merits of being a goodie-goodie.

P.P.S. Haven't we all, at one time or another, (hypothetically) really wanted to go peaching?

An Informal Poll - snooping

What's your position on keeping tabs on your teens?

Check their texts/journal/games/whatever-else-there-is on occasion?

Or just stay out of it entirely?

Is there a middle ground I should know about? We are just dipping our feet in the pool of teens & technology, and I'm a little bit reeling from the temperature of the water.

How do I put this delicately? Oh yes, men look away

Consider yourselves warned.

Anywho, let's address one of the aspects of losing weight that, erm, leaves A LOT to be desired. Literally.

You've heard of the three body types: apple, pear, and what is that last one? Oh yeah, hourglass. Sadly I am of the pear variety and gravity is not my friend. When I am slender, and I'm talking pre-baby days, I'm uniformly thin (flat in other words). Flat butt, flat chest, flat stomach, thin legs. Which is lovely when you're thin because a Miracle Bra or Victoria's Secret can fix some of that flatness.

However, when I'm am not "slender" I resemble a water balloon - filling out at the bottom first and lastly near the top. Having lost thirty-plus pounds this year a majority of it has come off my waist and let's face it, my bust line. I am looking rather deflated these days.

Enter organic "implants." I first saw these back in the old days of Regis and Kathy Lee. It was back during the uproar over silicone implants and falsies were making a big comeback. Guess what their low-cost organic alternative was? Wait for it.

Peanutbutter in ziploc baggies. I KNOW!

Apparently it looks (and feels) just like the real thing. And should you get hungry and need a snack...just find a couple slices of bread and you're all set. Let's just hope no one bumps into you and leaves you with a PB explosion in your bra.

I'll let you know how it all works out.

I meant to think about the garden. Really, I did.

It's good to be back, but now that garden really needs my attention. If only it would plant AND weed itself. The same goes for laundry.

This was a last minute trip (and an amazing deal) - due to Ty's medical conditions, that's the only kind of trip we take. When he was really sick, we didn't go anywhere together for a couple of years--one of us was always home with him. I think we've travelled more this year than we have in the past 18 years combined.

My side of the family (my parents, brother and sisters and spouses) is trying to plan a trip to New Zealand this Fall, and it would be really nice to go - especially since it's where my dad grew up. But it's so far away, it's hard to plan on it. I keep thinking something will come up with Ty and jinx the whole deal (and then I will have to watch him go through more pain and heartache). I hate that I'm superstitious that way.

Anyway, I was a little distracted (from thinking about the garden).

And for that matter, so was Mr. O.

Both by the scenery above

and below the surface of the ocean

The shoreline -

The volcanoes

The sunsets-

The aquatic life!

And all the color - EVERY where

Can you believe the scenery?

I love this shot.

Note the crew lifeboat drill

Hands down - the most beautiful part of our trip

Rain forest (those vines are actually roots from plants attached to the tree branches - who knew?)



Did I mention the sunsets?




And the food was to. die. for.
Anyone care to hazard a guess as to where we were?

I always forget to pack something

Once, it was my underwear, which is kind of a big deal. Turns out, you need at least two pairs—one to wash, one to wear. Just one pair is pretty tricky to manage.

This time it appears I should have brought earplugs, a straight jacket, and a whole lot of foam (for my portable, padded room of course). I cannot even begin to write all the things that have gone wrong today—that would have been funny—if they hadn't, you know, actually HAPPENED.

Before I start, I should tell you that the phrase "Oh my" is the verbal equivalent of an eye roll in our house. And, having a 14 year old, I hear it an awful lot. So much that sometimes I feel that if I hear it one more time I will have need to be peeled off the ceiling. In fact, could someone get me down from here?

Anyway, today was one of those days:

1) Alarm goes off. Not sure if it is smoke or burglar, both of which are equally bad options. Turns out it is the burglar alarm, even though there is no service hooked up - takes us 10 minutes to figure out a child has only left the back door open. This happens while I am on the phone with my sister (whose house we are staying at).
2) Same child turns on sink sprayer (while it is still standing up on the sink deck) manages to douse more kitchen than I thought possible in 10 seconds.
3) Sprayer is broken and stuck in the on position
4) Really do not want to make the phone call to sister to tell her we've been here less than 24 hours and BROKEN the plumbing. (Don't worry, sis, it's fixed now).
5) Same child gets stung by bee - has ALLERGIC reaction
6) Youngest pees pants while running to bathroom (don't worry, sis, she was on the tile)
7) So much pee from one little girl? And she had just gone, too
8) Much laundry commenced
9) Later, youngest manages to dump entire roll of premium TP into toilet - ACCIDENTALLY
10) Seconds later, SO DO I - again, accidentally
11) In keeping with my mission to be Mother of the Year, youngest is banned from downstairs bathroom
12) Later, youngest runs upstairs and poops in pants while trying to find the light switch. It is the Chernobyl of poop accidents (again, don't worry, sis, it didn't get on anything but her. And by her I mean EVERYTHING from the waist down).

Please keep in mind that this is JUST the tip of the iceberg. I said some words today that will most certainly make the video review of my life and result in the eternal mortification of both my mother and my sister (especially because some of it had to do with two sopping wet rolls of Charmin, and seriously, who loses it over toilet paper?). Don't worry, sis, your house is still in one piece - I, however, have split completely in two.

I have come to the conclusion that the words Family Vacation are mutually exclusive. I would like to go home now. And by now, I mean yesterday, ON AN AIRPLANE.

BY. MY. SELF.

Freudian slips (from people who aren't old enough to have them)

Ellie: Mom, I wanna watch Spongebob SPAREpants.

****
Me: Do you know who sings this song?

Child: No, but you better change it. It sounds E-licked.

Me: ???Whuh???

Child (looking at me like I am the world's biggest moron): You know, like it says on Itunes when there's bad words.

Me: Oh. You mean EXPLICIT?

****
Child: Why are my teeth this color?

Me: I'm afraid it's in your genes.

A couple minutes later, seemingly out of the blue -

Child: So if I stop wearing jeans and go back to shorts, they'll whiten up?

Me: I'm sorry, what are we talking about?

Child: My teeth, you said they're this way because of my jeans.

Me: Ohhhhhh. (realization finally dawning)

Right. So then we had a discussion about DNA and genes.

Speaking of laughter

Sometimes my kids say the funniest things, but they would die if I shared them with you so I just sit on my hands. It's pretty much killing me.

I think I deserve a brownie.

Park Day

Sometimes you meet really interesting people at Park day (and by interesting, I mean strange). A lot of the time we see people we already know or even meet new, very normal sort of people, but sometimes, we also meet Colorful people. I now know everything (plus a little bit) about this story. At first, I thought it strange that a complete stranger with no segue would launch right into the nitty gritty of domestic prostitution and foreign p*rn trade.

I was so caught off-guard and then consumed with keeping my jaw off my lap, that I lost all ability to change the subject. When a topic is brought up completely out of the blue like that and is headed in one direction only - So you know the neighborhood brothel? Well, let me tell you.... derailing that conversational train is akin to a Herculean feat. It's highly unlikely that So how about them Steelers? or Nice weather we're having... will have the desired affect. I'm thinking it must be the one brush with fame that this woman has and also maybe she needs to get out a little more (so I shouldn't judge, I've been there).

I'm wondering if you have any sure-fire subject changers? You know, in case we meet Mrs. Colorful again. And also, what is the most interesting (and by that I mean strange) thing a stranger has said to you?

In which my mother finds out more than she ever hoped to know

Over at Sue's place (which you must visit and then read everything she's written), she's hosting Very Funny Friday. Today's entry is a sort of Kissing Meme and she lists all her kisses/kissers. I thought I'd play along.

All individuals will remain nameless, since some of you know them and well, you never know who's reading. Despite what my mother and siblings may tell you, I was a pure delight to parent. Seriously, I was a good kid, relatively speaking. A disclaimer: I don't really remember all of these, but journals are a handy thing. Now, to begin.

1. First kiss was a boy I crushed on for a year. He had swoopy, blond hair. We were a "thing" - which means you pass notes, talk on the phone, brush hands and snicker in the hallways. It lasted over the summer into my sophomore year. I used to walk my dog every night just to see if he was up taking care of his horse. This particular night he was. He hopped the fence and met me over at the outbuilding. He delivered the deathblow to our "thing" because he'd been feeling too much pressure from his mom. I told him I'd better be going. He backed me up and put his hands on the wall on either side of my face. Now you can't get away, he says as he moves his face closer to mine. And then we bang teeth kiss. Yeah, I pretty much don't change his mind about ending it.

2. Takes me over a year to get up the nerve again. Number two is a boy I worked with. He is a riot (as my grams would say) and can't spell or use the King's English to save his life. He finally kisses me after we date for 6 or 7 months, then goes off to Greece and gets gummy with one of the choir girls on tour(maybe even marries her eventually, not sure). We still work together after that - awkward. Are you starting to see a trend here?

3. Crush on someone else forever. Unrequited. Out of the kissing scene. Sigh...

4. Go on a date to Junior Prom with my best friend's boyfriend (she'd already been asked) so it is really just so he can check up on her and not exactly a charity date. Right? I wear this suh-weet pink Southern Belle ginormous prom dress that barely fits into the car (Hint: do not take your mom to pick out prom dresses with you). It is a marathon date. I swear boys kick into a hormone-induced mauling coma whenever they get a glimpse of collarbone or cleavage (such as it was). Remember, this was my best friend's boyfriend. And when he drops me off he dives, DIVES in for the kiss. Never see it coming. My guilt alarms kicked in and I dodge it. Sort of. Never told her. He asks me if I could change and go back to his place for a movie. Yeah, that would be a good idea (let me just put on my turtleneck sweater).

5. Date two boys my family loves who previously were very kissy with their girlfriends, but all we do is hold hands, cook together and play Super Mario. Trend continues.

6. Grad night. Kissed by one boy who is a horn player. Should be amazing, but is actually lackluster and sloppy. Get kissed by another, who I suspect had actually been hitting the punch a little too hard, not impressive. Completely forgettable. Trend continues in that I never hear from either one again.

7. Crush (#3) requited. Awesome. Romantic and sweet, best friends. Very good kisser (according to Mr. Journal). We spend two months making up for lost time. Then my parents ship me off to Washington - I may still have a little resentment over that. He leaves for 2 years. Best letter writer ever. Although we have occasion to see each other since, we never speak again.

8. Blind date. {shudder}. All I'm going to say is that there's nothing like looking up at a virtual stranger, starting to say something and then suddenly finding their tongue in your mouth, checking the size of your tonsils. Nearly vomit. Serious Listerine-rinse-and-spit evening. Last blind date ever.

~Aside~ Receive marriage proposal from someone, via mail, whom I had never kissed. I imagine that if I had kissed him, he'd never have proposed. You know, that trend thing again.

9. The One, my soulmate (or so I thought). Electrifying, a bit of an addiction really. Bring home his engagement ring, parents not thrilled (gross understatement), institute six month cooling off period (for which I bear no resentment now).

10. I meet Mr. Organic by pure chance (or divine intervention) - strangely enough it all starts because he bears a resemblance to Mr. #7. He changes my life. I'm happier than any one person deserves to be. We go through a lot in our 18 years and we stay together, happily. Oh, and the fact that he's an amazing kisser is just a bonus.

Something interesting, all of these guys except for #4 (I never met her) and #8 (of course!) had moms I adored. Even Mr. Aside. Since this is now a meme, I tag you. Come on, pony up. Tell me when you post, please, I love snooping about reading what you have to say.

Work out?

I think all this exercising has left my brain unable to form original, cohesive thought. So instead, here are a few pics of Mr. O's latest "project"


And a few of Ellie and her expressiveness
The Please-can-puppy-have-some-candy look:

This is the angry puppy look - totally scary, right?

And the I'm-sorry-I-scared-you-let-me-give-you-a-chiss look:

And lastly, excited thirsty puppy:

.

Favorite excerpt from a Christmas letter

Matt*: Still a Largish City* detective, flight paramedic, SWAT team leader, and best dad and husband. His new nickname is "Pimp-Daddy" after discovering the prostitution problem in Largish City* (who knew?) and organizing a sting. He calls it "Operation Ho-down."

*Names have been changed.

You know...that one

I'm going to see that movie tonight, not because I'm expecting cinematic greatness, but because it's my duty as a mom to check these things out. Not to say that my girls are going to see it, but I'm sure their friends will and they will chat it up to them - I've got to know where they're coming from, so it's basically my civic duty. Basically.

Also, it's the first date Mr.O and I have been on in since, like, forever. I'm thinking he doesn't realize it's a chick flick - he's heard that there are vampires in it, so it must be an action movie, right? Either way, he's my moral support research assistant so excuse us while we (ahem) research.

Spielberg snaps a mean pic

I'm posting this just to push that poem further down the page (oy! so much cheese) and to showcase some of Spielberg's latest photos - I think he's got a good eye. He definitely knows how to work the camera better than I do.











A parting Halloween shot -

Mr. O's famous, sorta

He'll probably make me take this down, but I had to put it up.

When we first met, he really reminded me of this guy except for the blue eyes. When we were dating, Kevin Bacon was in a lot of films. A lot. So, um that was a long time ago...and it was really strange to go to the movies and see his face larger than life on the screen and then turn and look at him (Mr. O) sitting next to me. I would sit through the movie looking from one to the other, my own little tennis game.


But now, this guy is in a lot of films and every time a new one of his (Jim Carrey's) films comes out. Mr. O gets a whole new rash of comments about how he looks like him - although I think Mr. O has a way better chin. But the eyes and dimples? Wow, spot on.

Do you know anyone that looks like a celeb?