Saturday, April 11, 2009

I always forget to pack something

Once, it was my underwear, which is kind of a big deal. Turns out, you need at least two pairs—one to wash, one to wear. Just one pair is pretty tricky to manage.

This time it appears I should have brought earplugs, a straight jacket, and a whole lot of foam (for my portable, padded room of course). I cannot even begin to write all the things that have gone wrong today—that would have been funny—if they hadn't, you know, actually HAPPENED.

Before I start, I should tell you that the phrase "Oh my" is the verbal equivalent of an eye roll in our house. And, having a 14 year old, I hear it an awful lot. So much that sometimes I feel that if I hear it one more time I will have need to be peeled off the ceiling. In fact, could someone get me down from here?

Anyway, today was one of those days:

1) Alarm goes off. Not sure if it is smoke or burglar, both of which are equally bad options. Turns out it is the burglar alarm, even though there is no service hooked up - takes us 10 minutes to figure out a child has only left the back door open. This happens while I am on the phone with my sister (whose house we are staying at).
2) Same child turns on sink sprayer (while it is still standing up on the sink deck) manages to douse more kitchen than I thought possible in 10 seconds.
3) Sprayer is broken and stuck in the on position
4) Really do not want to make the phone call to sister to tell her we've been here less than 24 hours and BROKEN the plumbing. (Don't worry, sis, it's fixed now).
5) Same child gets stung by bee - has ALLERGIC reaction
6) Youngest pees pants while running to bathroom (don't worry, sis, she was on the tile)
7) So much pee from one little girl? And she had just gone, too
8) Much laundry commenced
9) Later, youngest manages to dump entire roll of premium TP into toilet - ACCIDENTALLY
10) Seconds later, SO DO I - again, accidentally
11) In keeping with my mission to be Mother of the Year, youngest is banned from downstairs bathroom
12) Later, youngest runs upstairs and poops in pants while trying to find the light switch. It is the Chernobyl of poop accidents (again, don't worry, sis, it didn't get on anything but her. And by her I mean EVERYTHING from the waist down).

Please keep in mind that this is JUST the tip of the iceberg. I said some words today that will most certainly make the video review of my life and result in the eternal mortification of both my mother and my sister (especially because some of it had to do with two sopping wet rolls of Charmin, and seriously, who loses it over toilet paper?). Don't worry, sis, your house is still in one piece - I, however, have split completely in two.

I have come to the conclusion that the words Family Vacation are mutually exclusive. I would like to go home now. And by now, I mean yesterday, ON AN AIRPLANE.

BY. MY. SELF.

14 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Wait, is the "is a burgler" a typo? I assume so, or else you probably wouldn't have been dealing with the other issues because you would be killed.

myimaginaryblog said...

I make a distinction between "trips" and "vacations," the former being what you take your kids on and the latter being what it would be like if they weren't along.

It sounds like you're having a doozie. I hope tomorrow's better.

When we just had Ike and Mabel (but that's still a lot) we stayed at a friend's sister's home once that had new white carpets and also would get ant infestations if there were ANY crumbs left around (and did I mention we had the two kids?) I've been terrified to stay in anyone's home since then -- although we did rent a home a couple years ago, and that was pretty nerve-wracking. Oh, yeah, and we did a home exchange a few years ago, too (AFTER the fiasco of the house with the white carpet.) Clearly, we're certifiable and fail to learn from the past.

Anonymous said...

You just make me laugh :0

I have had a few bad vacations with my kids....I once left my entire suitcase at home but, packed everyone elses stuff...two hours into a car trip...we drove back to get my stuff.

Best Vacation ever was just my youngest and me on a cruise....I never knew relaxation = vacation.
It was hard to get used to?

Millie said...

I know this is really terrible, but right around the second TP roll being dropped into the toilet accidentally - by you - I was cracking up pretty hard.

I love all the "we cleaned it up" notes to your sister. "Don't worry, we buried all the bodies in the backyard."

Anonymous said...

You know you really have a way with words. I really could feel your pain. Sorry it was such a mess but pretty funny for reading. HOpe you make it home safe and in one piece. KEL

c-dub said...

I came. I laughed. I wanted to cry. If I could have, I would have sent you an airplane ticket.

When are you coming home? I feel a major soap binge coming on. Want to come?

andrea said...

I hope your day today was better! You need at least a little relaxation on your vacation! :) Hang in there.

Heffalump said...

Well, at least the toilet didn't overflow!
I hope things are better now!

Summer said...

Well I apologize for laughing. :D That sounds like one heck of a bad day!

Shawn said...

Oh, oh...sounds like someone didn't realize that "family vacation" is an oxymoron...

You will probably have to get away on your own after this vacay---thats how I ALWAYS feel after one of THOSE type of vacations.

Loralee and the gang... said...

Wow! You really did have a busier weekend than I did!
:~D

Elizabeth-W said...

I, too, firmly believe in the distinction between trip and vacation.
At least on this trip you had enough pair of unders?? :)

Galadriel said...

Thank you so much for the laugh. I don't think I know you, nor am I sure how I stumbled my way on to your blog, but I loved your story.

Kim N said...

Hey, it sounds like you can only go uphill from here so that is good news! I hope you have a fantastic rest of your vacation. You deserve it!