Once, it was my underwear, which is kind of a big deal. Turns out, you need at least two pairs—one to wash, one to wear. Just one pair is pretty tricky to manage.
This time it appears I should have brought earplugs, a straight jacket, and a whole lot of foam (for my portable, padded room of course). I cannot even begin to write all the things that have gone wrong today—that would have been funny—if they hadn't, you know, actually HAPPENED.
Before I start, I should tell you that the phrase "Oh my" is the verbal equivalent of an eye roll in our house. And, having a 14 year old, I hear it an awful lot. So much that sometimes I feel that if I hear it one more time I will have need to be peeled off the ceiling. In fact, could someone get me down from here?
Anyway, today was one of those days:
1) Alarm goes off. Not sure if it is smoke or burglar, both of which are equally bad options. Turns out it is the burglar alarm, even though there is no service hooked up - takes us 10 minutes to figure out a child has only left the back door open. This happens while I am on the phone with my sister (whose house we are staying at).
2) Same child turns on sink sprayer (while it is still standing up on the sink deck) manages to douse more kitchen than I thought possible in 10 seconds.
3) Sprayer is broken and stuck in the on position
4) Really do not want to make the phone call to sister to tell her we've been here less than 24 hours and BROKEN the plumbing. (Don't worry, sis, it's fixed now).
5) Same child gets stung by bee - has ALLERGIC reaction
6) Youngest pees pants while running to bathroom (don't worry, sis, she was on the tile)
7) So much pee from one little girl? And she had just gone, too
8) Much laundry commenced
9) Later, youngest manages to dump entire roll of premium TP into toilet - ACCIDENTALLY
10) Seconds later, SO DO I - again, accidentally
11) In keeping with my mission to be Mother of the Year, youngest is banned from downstairs bathroom
12) Later, youngest runs upstairs and poops in pants while trying to find the light switch. It is the Chernobyl of poop accidents (again, don't worry, sis, it didn't get on anything but her. And by her I mean EVERYTHING from the waist down).
Please keep in mind that this is JUST the tip of the iceberg. I said some words today that will most certainly make the video review of my life and result in the eternal mortification of both my mother and my sister (especially because some of it had to do with two sopping wet rolls of Charmin, and seriously, who loses it over toilet paper?). Don't worry, sis, your house is still in one piece - I, however, have split completely in two.
I have come to the conclusion that the words Family Vacation are mutually exclusive. I would like to go home now. And by now, I mean yesterday, ON AN AIRPLANE.
BY. MY. SELF.
