Edited to add: a little explanation
First of all, sorry about the onslaught of Chemo Chronicles posts, I am trying to get caught up. They are painful memories but ones that I must get out of my system and let go of. This post in particular is one I need to put up on my mirror and read every day.
Due to circumstances beyond my control: conflicting schedules, crazy weather, my duties as a mother, and so on and so forth....I was not able to get outside again to run this weekend or to even leave the house really. I used to hate running and I guess I cannot exactly call my style of flailing about on the roads - running. But as soon as I hear that I "can't" do something, my hackles are up and I am in full "Oh, yeah?" mode. And I will do it, too. Just watch me.
So basically the gist of the story is that if I keep up running, I will likely be just as incapacitated as I was when this all started back in January and within 30 days, too. I don't like that sentence, and suddenly it makes me want to run even more. I have noticed the pain creeping back, but 10 lbs have come off that were due to the meds they had me taking, so it's sixes really. In pain, thinner, and happier from being outside? Or the numb, fatty existence of being pain-free. Hmmm, not a hard decision. Not for me.
It stinks that I might require surgery sooner for a pissy neck, but I can't give up exercising outdoors. I can't! I NEED my vitamin D. No, it's true. The supplements I've been taking are not absorbing and only the sun will do.
In other news, I was all set to tell you about this wonderful new book I've been reading and then of course, I lost it (and by lost it I'm referring to my sanity) at bed time. I'm still figuring things out. And god almighty, it's gonna take me a long, long time. Basically, my brain turns into a pumpkin after 9:30 PM and I am no longer capable of rational thought. Too bad my kids can't seem to make it to bed before 10. Damn that pumpkin brain of mine.
The book is called Positive Discipline for Teenagers by Jane Nelsen, but she has several written for younger aged children. I highly recommend them, start them young. Or rather start yourself being positive, kind, and firm when they're young. Of course they still become teens and go through hormonal changes and you will still wonder what you did wrong as a parent...BUT at least you will have some skills. Thanks heavens tomorrow is a new day and I can show my children that even adults make mistakes and need to apologize when they've behaved poorly. We are, all of us, trying to become better people and that means learning from our mistakes.
I am torn about a church issue regarding Mother's Day. Confession: I am proud and I cannot sing one whit (and it's painfully obvious to anyone who hears me attempt it), and I will not embarrass myself or my daughter because someone thinks it would be sweet to have a handful of moms sing to the congregation on Mother's Day. I also cannot attend the meeting and sit with my daughter in the congregation while the girls her age are up there singing with their mothers. It looks bad, I know. And the last thing I want is for my daughter to feel that I must not love her because I won't go up there and sing. A bigger person would go up there anyway. I am not that person. I know these emotions are coming from the small, weak part of my pumpkin brain, but at least I am willing to admit it.
I think we'll go on an outing instead and avoid the entire mess. Does this mean I am teaching my children to run away from difficult situations? Perhaps. Or maybe it means there are other ways to handle them. No one can make you feel embarrassed or pressured unless you let them, and sometimes removing yourself from the situation is the kindest way.
Confession: the stress I was feeling from this situation contributed heavily to my frustrations last night. So I will need to talk to my kids about that as well. Sometimes I fear that coal dust rather than diamonds, figures more prominently in my future.