Sometimes I wait too long to take off my wedding rings for the night and then my knuckles are the size of olives.
Yes, it's true, I have Olive Knuckles. I know you're jealous, but we can't all be so blessed.
The past two (make that four) nights I have had my old friends Insomnia and Anxiety over for a visit. I try and try to get them to leave but they insist on staying and chatting me up all night. They don't even get my subtle hint that perhaps they have overstayed their welcome when Melatonin shows up. I tell you, some people are just thick-headed.
I went to the hospital to register for my upcoming surgery. I asked the nurse if it would be okay for me to write a note on my abdomen - "No touchy, no cutty" (they already screwed up my belly button/tummy 20 years ago when I had my tubal pregnancy. I mean let's just leave well enough alone). She said no. I tell you, some people just have no sense of humor.
I get to start a low fiber diet in two days. Um, guys? Low fiber is hard. No fruit. At all. I live on apples and blueberries right now. That pretty much just leaves chicken broth and yogurt. Which pretty much means I am going to starve. (Note to self: eat all the Oreo Truffles now as a preventative.)
I can never pee after anaesthesia (epidurals especially), but I learned a little secret - Coke makes you pee. You're welcome. (Note to self: buy Coke.)
And in completely unrelated events:
Ellie said to me, Mom we shoulda buyed those, what are they called? Oh yeah, Crazy Muffins.
I said, You mean English Muffins?
She said, Yeah, same thing.
Some people are just so clever.