Thursday, May 28, 2009

PMS (such as it is) PSA

Do you ever have those days where you're afraid that if you leave the house, you'll head towards the nearest grocery store and buy the biggest bag/box of Lindt Truffles and eat them? No?

It's just me then. Okay, I see how you are. Well, should you find yourself in these dire circumstances, I highly recommend the following counter strategies:

*No makeup - this is a MUST
*Puffy, red eyes are a nice touch
*don sweat-capris (a two-for-one faux pas)
*smudges of dried toddler slime on both shoulders of muckiest t-shirt
*badly chipped toenail polish
*frizz head hair pulled back in a ponytail bun
*do not shower when you sense a chocolate emergency building
*bonus points for any fluid retention, aka bloating

Once you have completed the above steps, you are safe to leave the house. However, do not - I repeat - DO NOT leave your vehicle! All errands must be completed from inside the safety of your vehicle or you WILL have an unexpected reunion with an old friend, frenemy, or former significant other. Especially if you are holding a bag/box of said truffles or have feminine hygiene supplies in your cart.

Don't say I didn't warn you. These are powerful strategies - be careful how you use them.

In other news. I remember now why Summer is my favorite season. Less allergies. I adore lilacs, but they are decidedly against me. I took drastic measures tonight and deflowered the bush outside our bedroom window. My bloodshot, itchy eyes have stood between me and my chocolate long enough. I'm getting a decent night's sleep with a crisp, Spring breeze wafting through my open window tonight.

Even if it kills me.

6 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I would never leave my car, if I could. I often pee in it.

Mrs. Organic said...

Do I have a product for you.

EW, if you read this I need that link to the pee-thing.

andrea said...

You crack me up......oh, and who cares about the faux-pas of capri sweats, when you are bloating, it's what works.

I love going to my neighborhood store. Especially because at any given time, half my neighborhood is there. Take me or leave me, I'm keeping it real.

Emma J said...

Oh, those Lindt truffles!

When I finally go through menopause I think I will abhor the sight of them, just because they're linked so to the monthly cycle!

Tebbs Family said...

Now that you've adequately covered the physical aspects, I'd love to hear the emotional side of things... now that's one I could contribute to!

myimaginaryblog said...

I'm usually only spared this scenario by being too lazy to leave the house in the evenings even under the direst circumstances. And by dire, I mean being reduced to eating a whole bag of house brand semi-sweet chocolate chips.