Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Things We Cannot Change

I'm sitting here on my bed with puffy eyes-the remnants from yesterday's ugly cry. I am an intense person. I know this about myself, and yet I still let it get the better of me sometimes.

I've been dealing with mystery ear pain as well as a broken foot and a flare-up from the herniated discs in my neck for about 8 weeks. The ear pain is intense, as though I have an ice pick twisting into my ear drum. In that 8 weeks, I've had exactly one and a half days of no ear pain. With medication, I'm afforded, at most, 2 1/2 hours of relief.

On Monday I finally found out what may be causing it. I also found out that it could cost upwards of $3500 to fix it and even then will likely cause some permanent nerve damage to my face. It may not even fix the ear pain, but intensify it. Oh swell, it could be worse. That's when I lost it.

Well, not exactly then. I waited until a friend--one who "knew" something was up, texted me and asked if I needed to go for a walk--came over. I lasted about 10 minutes. A lot of crap has been coming to a head, and lately I haven't been the easiest person to be around.

We drove to her house and I sat there taking in the view of the entire valley and I cried, and hiccoughed, spilled my frustrations and generally felt sorry for myself. Then she took me home.

My poor husband; I ugly cried to him too. Then I locked myself in the bathroom.

I just want to be me. I ripped off my hoodie and threw it to the ground. The me before all this pain. Off came my shirt. The me before cancer and a breaking-down body. I tore off my sports bra and threw it at the mirror.

I want to be the me before stupid neck injections. I fumbled with my shoe laces through teared-up eyes. The me before all this pain. I wiped my face with the back of hand and kicked my shoes into the closet - the one my where my husband had found me passed out, half-naked just the night before because I'd taken an accidental extra dose. I think. I don't even know how it happened.

I just want to be the me I can't even remember anymore. I ripped off my yoga pants and stood there naked in front of the mirror. Sobbing. I leaned forward, both hands on the counter and stared myself down. I can't do this anymore! I. HATE. THIS.


I stood there wishing I could shed my skin, my bones, my everything--just rip out the offending bits and pieces and somehow mend myself back to who I used to be.

But there is no going back, and there is no escaping. These parts, they're here with me forever. There is only acceptance and plowing through. So I will sit here with my puffy eyes and I will figure it out. Because what else can you do?

24 comments:

dalene said...

I'm sorry. But I do know you will plow through it and figure it out. Best wishes to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. I too suffer intense chronic pain due to herniated disks and severe nerve damage...I also used to have severe inner ear pain for several months. I went to several doctors and received little help... until I went to a doctor for bio identical hormones, she recommended I use Colloidal Silver. I don't know if you have tried this, but if not you may want to try it- it's completely safe :) With a dropper put about 8 drops (I used to just fill up my ear) and stop it up with a bit of cotton ball. Also, each morning prior to eating or drinking thing place about 8 drops under your tongue and just hold it there with your mouth closed for at least 30 seconds and then swallow.
*My ear pain was caused by a yeast infection from too much sugar (I'm a fruit junkie). I cut out all types of sugar for one week and went off all dairy and used the silver and since then I have only had the pain return briefly (when I eat too much fruit) I use the silver...instant relief! Just a bit of vertigo having one ear plugged up, but it goes away.
I wish you all the best...take care :)

Elizabeth-W said...

Corrie, do your research before ingesting silver, please. :)
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Life is just full of hard things. :(

Mrs. Organic said...

All I need is to add "turning blueish purple" to my list. ;)

Elizabeth-W said...

Just sayin'

TheOneTrueSue said...

Oh hon. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's so unfair. Sending you all of my best thoughts and hopeful prayers. XOXOXOXOXO

Kalli said...

Sometimes a good ugly cry and an honest look at yourself naked is what you need to get through the next day. We've all been there for one Awful reason or another. You are a rockstar!

Anonymous said...

It takes extremely large quantities of silver over a long period of time to turn bluish/purple. I was only suggesting you try it for a few days, even if you only put a small amount of it in your affected ear..

I too had several expensive-unsuccessful injections for my herniated disks, then surgeries all bringing me no relief whatsoever. Those same doctors kept prescribing me antibiotics, pain medications, anti-depressants and high amounts of anti-motion sickness pills for my ear pain...for months! Antibiotics cause vaginal yeast infections which require a prescription which caused other side effects which required more prescriptions, which required referrals to other 'specialists' who offered to remove even more parts of my body...I ended up having 4 different operations which only made me feel so much worse. I finally had enough and began my own research talking with a doctor friend in another state, he told me that there are so many natural ways to quickly and simply relieve and heal symptoms but as doctors they are very carefully watched and are required to prescribe chemicals (many of which are really unproven and cause a 'whole slew of other problems' or offer an alternative: surgery to remove whatever hurts with no regard to how horrible your body will be without these necessary parts. Doctors (because of insurance rules) cannot tell patients how to heal themselves naturally without risking losing their license. Doctors don't make money if you heal yourself naturally. The pharmaceutical companies pay your doctors for every prescription they write.
I've come to know many incredible people- some of them doctors who've turned their backs on medicine because it isn't often necessary and I've gotten to know 6 people who were dying of cancer, had gone through chemo, surgery etc... only to have their cancer return and them left sick and penniless. Doctors told them they were not going to make it- to go home to die. They finally decided that they had nothing to lose and decided to try the 'extreme', 'weird', fanatical'...Natural methods and after 10, 13, 16, 20 years they are not only alive, but healthier and happier than ever. Many have also noticed that eating the 'extreme' raw or vegan diet has cured their diabetes, shingles, ulcers, and on and on. I too didn't want to give up fruit and dairy- thought it weird and illogical, but I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. In two weeks my IBS, Diabetes,8 months of extreme ear pain, vertigo, severe nausea, constant vaginal yeast infection,and 4 month long menstrual period, etc...were all gone!
Nothing the doctors had done or recommended provided me any relief... So, after 5 years and $40,000.00 out-of-pocket (after insurance!) I spent about $200.00 on supplements from the health food store and bought a whole bunch of fresh vegetables and legumes and after 2 weeks I felt so much better ...after years of crying myself to sleep and hiding from society, feeling entirely despondent and lost, wondering what had become of me. I only desired to continuing living for my children. Did I mention that I was also having up to 20 grand mal seizures a day? When I changed my diet etc... they stopped for 6 months!(The longest I had gone without a seizure prior to this in a several months was 24 hours) I rarely have breakthrough seizures now :)
I used to ask 'why me'?!!! Why was all of this happening to me? I truly felt that I would never be 'me' again, that I would never get 'me' back. My husband left me because I 'wasn't fun'. I cursed the day I was born.
But I found a better, easier way and I'm getting 'me' back :D I still have problems due to the unnecessary surgeries, but I feel great hope for myself now and only wish that whatever you choose that it will work for you and that you'll get yourself back and be happy and able to enjoy life again.
Wishing you all the best, Paris

radioactive girl said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I am right there with you. I wish there was a way to go back to before because that is definitely the me I'd like to be. This new me kind of sucks because things hurt all the time and I constantly have to have surgery. Who would choose that? I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better! You said you think you know what the ear thing is? What is it? I hope both of us get back to feeling good very soon. I think it's only normal that you cried and were angry. I did that a few weeks ago too.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I am sorry.

You are a strong woman.

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear of all the pain you are going through. am thinking of you.

athena

Mrs. Organic said...

Paris - Please don't feel that I was making light of your suggestion, I actually use a lot of natural methods to help with health problems. I should probably explain a little better about the ear problem.

There is nothing wrong with the physical health or structure of my ear, but it took several weeks to figure it out. What is happening is that there is an inflammation/infection in the medullary branch (this is the latest theory) of my trigeminal nerve that is referring pain back to my ear drum.

I had a root canal done on a wisdom tooth. The root canal was pretty tricky and runs very close to this nerve, but in order to fix things they will have to extract the tooth. The roots curve around and are so close to this nerve that if they break off they will have to dig around to remove them. It's the digging around that will cause more damage. They don't even know if removing the tooth will help or not because it could also be trigeminal neuralgia. All I know is pain is incredibly fatiguing.

Also the problem in my neck is one of nerve impingement. THere are so many complicating factors with my neck that it would bore you all to tears to have to read it (except for maybe Tori because she is a medical nerd like me). Suffice it to say that having an 80 year old body, when you're only 40, sucks.

Mrs. Organic said...

Paris - I'm also sorry that you've been through so much. I wish you the best. :)

La Yen said...

I love you, Job. And I know you can get through this, because you have to. Which is the suckiest reason to get through things, but there you go.

Kristina P. said...

I don't know what to say except that I will keep you in my prayers. You totally inspire me, because I would throwing a pity party everyday and setting up a Snuggie donation fund for myself.

Mrs. Organic said...

And doh! Maxillary branch, not medullary. Me so smart.

Queen Scarlett said...

I would let you ugly cry on me. I might ugly cry with you because we're amigas.

Lindsey Johnson said...

I'm so sorry. I really am. I had a big ol' ugly cry yesterday too. Sometimes that's all you can do. I'm thinking about you and sending good vibes your way.

Deena said...

Love and concern for you from me. xo

M-Cat said...

We might have been having the ugly cry at the exact same time. Does companhy in your misery help at all?

I feel you. I get it. When you find a solution- let me know.

Until then, sending you hugs and love and for myself? Hanging on for dear life

Melody said...

Well, Corrie, that's plain shitty. I'll send up prayers for you. In fact I just did. (I use curse words very sparingly and God recognizes them as a special kind of prayer.)

Also, this is a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for writing and sharing it. I know that place of enough-is-enough-ness and the gird-your-loins thereafter. Bless you in all of it.

Mrs. Organic said...

Melody - I think I like your kind of prayer best of all. :)

Angela said...

Aside from the fact that you are in such pain with no relief, this was a really beautifully written post. I am sorry---that seems so weak, but I wish I could help make it stop. Chronic pain is one of those things that kind of scares me---one day, you suddenly don't have control over how you feel, no matter what. I hope you find answers. And relief.

RAfightinmama said...

hi there... i just started reading your posts the other day. I was so glad to see that YOU ARE SUCH A STRONG WOMAN. I too have chronic pain, I have Rheumatoid arthritis. I'm 33, have had RA since i was about 19 but just diagnosed a year ago. I have had SO many "puffy eyed" mornings and nights and weeks...hell, even months. I've been struggling to accept that this once healthy body, (the one that played soccer 2-3 times a week, played in the backyard with my kids and was actually able to keep up with life) is gone. I hope we can all support eachother through our struggles, even the little ones like buttoning the buttons on my shirt, to having whole days curled up in a ball crying our eyes out bc we just feel like $h-t and literally can't move. I've looked in that mirror for so long and so many times, wondering where "TONYA" went... I'm starting to realize i'm still there, just a different version.