Thursday, October 7, 2010

Winning the Battle? Well now, that's crazy talk!

So tonight I skipped out on two activities (both of them I really wanted to go to) - I had a legitimate excuse, BUT I was relieved.

Relieved that Ty needed me to help him out, because then I wouldn't have to be around people. Whah-? People who I care what they think of me and who, perhaps, I'd screw up in front of by mere function of opening my mouth. And in the back of my head I know no one gives a second thought to what I do or say (except myself, of course) or at least I am hoping that it's true. That it's all up in my head and I am just making myself all wound up about stuff that really doesn't matter. Except it does, to me. And at the same time I just wish those same people even knew who I was besides "the new/old girl", which is kind of difficult when you rarely attend full events.

I mean I love people, I really, truly do. I just need to remember that when I'm in the middle of them. And now......I just untyped a bunch of stuff that showed how vicious a cycle anxiety is. Meh. If you've been there, you know.

Anyway if you suffer anxiety in any form, I've got your back. It's a tough row to hoe, but I hear it can be done.


Heffalump said...

I will look forward to an activity and then once I get there, I stand around feeling like an idiot and wondering why I bothered.
I am always saying stupid things and regretting it. So, generally I just don't do the whole social thing.

Anonymous said...

I relate to the part about not being able to go and being kind of relieved. I've had that experience many times.

I did make myself go to the thing last night, though--I decided with it being less than a mile than my home it would just be silly not to. Also I found a neighbor to come with me and was glad I had; it would have felt a lot more awkward without her to talk to. I mean more awkward than it felt anyway. It was really loud and hard to hear people so we were all doing a lot of that nodding-and-smiling thing after the 2nd or 3rd time of asking someone to repeat themselves.

But hey, mortality is awkward. "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

I hope Ty's feeling better soon.

Anonymous said...

I sure love you no matter what. I think life is to short to miss out, but that is just me. Nice guns in the picture below. I am pretty sure you could kick by bootie right now. Way to go. love reading the cute things she says so keep them coming, plus one day she is going to love reading them as well. love ya Kel

Kristina P. said...

I don't know if one of the things was the GNO last night, but I would have loved to see you!

Nikki and Ray said...

Oh girl, I am right there with you and ya know what it is from, not having a thyroid. I swear it! It changes you and it's so hard to fight it when you feel like that and have absolutly NO control...You are not alone luv!

Mrs. Organic said...

Heff - Yes! That's it, I worry about saying stupid stuff and then I actually do.

Zina, KP - Yes, one of them was the GNO. I really wish I would've gone because it's nice to see people in real life that you mostly see on the little screen, but maybe next time...

Kel - You are sweet and I love you right back

Nikki - I definitely don't remember feeling this way before I had my thyroid out (except for maybe when I was pregnant) so I think you're on to something. I mean I really do like people.

radioactive girl said...

I don't know if it is anxiety for me, but I prefer staying home and try to talk myself out of doing things sometimes. Then when I actually go, I have such a great time that I wonder why I didn't want to. I think that is just me being lazy/tired though.

I guess maybe it is anxiety because I get all stressed out and now that I think about it, I guess it is anxiety. I think my daughter has it. She told me her chest gets all tight sometimes. At first we thought it was asthma but since the asthma medicine is not working, and I have never actually heard her wheeze or cough, I am guessing that's what might be going on.

Emma J said...

I think I'm just coming out of a season like this. I call them quarantine seasons. I try to stay out of the way or at least limit my contact because I feel so toxic I'll burn up relationships that matter to me. But I have a thyroid so maybe it's just native weirdness on my part. Or maybe more people feel this way than we would ever suspect?