Saturday, August 29, 2009

Things my mother never told me or why you should never body surf with "falsies"

I continue to workout (I know I'm a little obsessed at the moment, but I promise I'll get over it), and I swear the only thing disappearing is my bust line (such as it is).

Oh, I joke about peanut butter augmentation, but this past week when I visited that den of sin Victoria's Schmeecret, the assistant checked, rechecked and then told me it was time to go down in band size again. She said this would, er also help in the cup size department. She then brought me the bra box for that band size.

It was a most discouraging process. Turns out that not even a smaller band size can counter the effects of gravity. In other words, there is no Miracle Bra miraculous enough. My assistant, bless her heart, tried to make it all better by clucking, "Now, now women have different types of breasts." My interpretation: yours are very different. And then she added, "Maybe you've heard of our inserts?"

Really, I hope she finds someone quite as helpful when her 20 year old body has up and deserted her, succumbing to gravity after all.

And as a reference to the title, trust me it is just common sense (not that I know from personal experience, or anything) although they might just come in handy as flotation devices.

15 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I am posting about a new As Seen on TV product, on Monday, that I think you might want to try.

Elizabeth-W said...

I prefer to buy bras from places like Macys or Dillards or Penneys. They fit ALLLL kinds of women.

Loralee and the gang... said...

Yeah, when I weaned off my 7th and last child, not only was I smaller than I was at 13, I was LOPSIDED! Enough to make me consider implants, even. On top of that, I had weaned my baby quickly so I could go on a 4-day trip to Arizona! So, I had to sew in an extra pad into my swim top on one side. And I was thanking my mom all the while for teaching me how to sew...
:~D
P.S. They have evened up over time...

Cafe Johnsonia said...

I just started working out again a few weeks ago. I have a significant amount to lose. I told my husband today, "Just think what I'm gonna look like next year at this time!"

And then I looked down at my chest.

Queen Scarlett said...

Boobies seem innocuous...but all they do is torment us.

Tebbs Family said...

My problem is that when I wear my Wonder Bra during the week and then go boating with the fam on Saturday, my kids "wonder" how I miraculously grow again in time for church on Sunday... I also keep applauding Kelly Ripa for holding out since I'm about her size in that area!

Cafe Johnsonia said...

You've got to listen to this clip from Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me. It's hilarious...

http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=112338405&m=112338394

b. said...

ditto e-dub.

Glad you didn't drown.

Mrs. Organic said...

E-dub - I'll try there.

Loralee - let's not even discuss symmetry.

Alicia - I know. Seriously, why isn't there a wonder swimsuit?

Cafe J - That was hilarious and well worth the listen!
"That girl could power Inagodadavida..."

And don't worry about your chest, you have peanutbutter to fall back on. :)

b- I'm still sufficiently bouyant that I'm not too worried about an actual drowing taking place. I about had my suit ripped off by a rogue wave, but that's a whole nother story.

Up in Bubbles said...

This is sad but true.

Millie said...

My boobs will never make me happy again, and I should have appreciated them when I was twenty and PERFECT.

(Two truths I have sadly learned)

Shawn said...

My boobs have gone the other way since I grew older----they have grown two cup sizes---and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM!!

I get sports bras online, cause I can't stand being so big---weird, huh?

Bree Biesinger Despain said...

I'm a huge fan of getting a professional bra fitting at Nordstroms. I always feel a million times better about my body after getting a new bra there. Although, they do cost a pretty penny. But it's totally worth it.

Emma J said...

I knew this was going to make me laugh just from the title alone!

(Still laughing!)

tiburon said...

I have found a little cutlet can be a good thing....