Saturday, September 4, 2010

Please, just

Retreating into my little corner of the world feels the only way sometimes. It is safe and mostly benign here.

God (or the universe, or whomever/whatever you believe in) has given our family a reprieve these past couple of years and I can honestly say I have no idea how to deal with it. In the middle of everything (the cancers, the surgeries, the heartbreak), I thought all I wanted was a moment to catch my breath, some peace, a little respite. You know ~ Please, just let up already. Funny, how I think I know better than God.

Living in crisis mode was one of the most difficult things I've done, and at the same time it was so much easier than this.

When all you have the time and mental capacity for is putting one foot in front of the other, seeing that at least everyone is loved, and fed and showered - and some days not even that - all these stings and barbs get pushed off to the side. You stack them in a back room somewhere, gathering the hurts and rejections like little treasures, sewing the barbs into the wire fence around your heart. You hoard them against the far off future when you might be able to face them. Please, just...not yet.

But you cannot stave them off forever, and they come calling like angry bill collectors with interest and penalties due. They hound and harass you, calling at all hours of the night and day, finally finding you and threatening to make your life a living hell until you pay up. The future has arrived.

I am superfluous.

I am a tiny cog in a giant wheel with maybe five little people who need me. And that has to be enough. For now.

Thank you to those of you who have reached out to me and touched my life with your particular brand of friendship, your magical words, and your beautiful photos. Those of you who are genuine. You know who you are, I can't thank you enough for walking this lonely road with me.

Please, just let me be happy and fun again. Please, just like me for me and not the train wreck of crap I'm going through.

PS Just rip the damn bandaid off already