Tuesday, July 6, 2010

On this, the eve of (the countdown to) my 40th year...(wherein I abuse italics)

I've been thinking. Sort of a lot. About some rather deepish things. I know, "Surprise!"

And do you know I've realized that...

I am not this blog. The voice of this place is not me, is not who I am. It's only something I slip on in order to relate more easily (or not at all) the goings on at Chez Organic. And I hope you're aware of that. That you give me more credit than this, this fluffy, slang-slinging superfluous-ness (made up words and all) that is this place.

I am not my garden. At least not this year, my heart is just not in it. I mean, the garden is there and is growing stuff and we will eat from it and enjoy it, but you know what? It's just a garden. A nothing special garden that I happen to tend (and rather begrudgingly, if you'd like to know the truth) without chemicals.

I am not my falling apart, yet coming together again body. Oh, it feels like it sometimes. Like all I am is a body breathing in air, consuming and expending fuel, taking up space, going through the motions of keeping a home, a family, a life before briefly resting and doing it all again tomorrow. But it's just a body, and an oldish one at that. A saggity, dimply, wrinkly, stretch-markity (having 5 babies and losing 80 some pounds will do that) nothing special body which, for better or worse, Mr. O is "all-in" with for the long haul.

I am not my mothering. No, I fell off that wagon long ago. I am a mother, but I am not my mothering.

Here, right here this is where words fail me.

I know it shouldn't define me. But somehow it does, and I cannot bring myself to say that I am just a mother, that I am a nothing special mother. Because being a mother is bigger than a "just". I know it. I feel it. At least I try to feel it. And even though I am incredibly bad at it more than I am ever good at it, I am a mother. I can do this because it's a part of who I am - a piece in my puzzle - and I will find a way to be at peace with it. Even if it takes me another 39 years.

When it comes down to it there are a lot of things that I am not, but most of them are not for me to share here. Partly because the little people (and the related people) have started reading this island in the Sea of Me and partly because I am trying to rewrite, to drastically edit who I am.

I hereby dub this my year to dig down, uproot, uncover, discover, recover. To find my voice. To find out who and what I am. Happy Birthday, Me.

11 comments:

Tebbs Family said...

A blog "toast" to an amazing woman and writer... happy birthday! Thank you for your insight AND for sharing it.

Up in Bubbles said...

You really are a good writer maybe that is a part of you you need to discover more. Happy Birthday To you! You are such a great big sister and someone that I really look up to. You are so amazing in so many things. I think you got more than your share of talents. You are also so great at sharing and giving of your talents. I have to show you a picture of the baby in the darling dress you made.(when I figure out how to load them on the computer) She gets so so many compliments when she wears it. I just can't tell you enough how much I love it and think of you when she wears it. Everyone asks "where did you get that darling dress?" (spain?) "No my amazing talented sister made it." (they agree) I also have beautiful quilts that I adore and look at everyday that remind me of you and how great you are. Thanks for being such a great sister I love you so much. I am even crying as I type this because I miss you and wish I could give you a big hug on your big 40. I think turning 40 definitely deserves a trip to the East. I hope you have a wonderful day you deserve it. I wish I was a better writer so I could express my feelings better, but just know I LOVE YOU. Loves Kelley XOXOXOXXOXOXO

Kristina P. said...

Happy birthday, Corrie. I hope this year brings you lots more happiness.

Kimberly said...

I think you show more of that real you here than you realize. There's lovely snorkeling to be done on your blog, but there's some awe-inspiring scuba diving here as well. You are a woman of incredible strength and resolve. You are self-deprecating and yet you strive to be something better, something more than you currently are. You're quite inspirational actually, and I can't help but smile and shake my head a little at the realization that you don't seem to know it.

Hope your birthday is a sweet one.

M-Cat said...

Happy Happy Birthday!

And I get the need to find one's self. When you figure it out - let me know!

Kalli Ko said...

I'm not my garden either, if I were I would have recieved some serious abuse at the hands of the tiller today. No thanks.

Happy Birthday lady, I hope 40 is great to you.

Emma J said...

But there is some force that wants to reduce us to this one thing - whatever the small insufficient thing is. Why is that?

You said it exactly.

And Happy BDay! (welcome to the ranks of fortydom?)

Omgirl said...

Wow, that might have been too deep for me for 11pm on a Friday night. I need to come back and read it tomorrrow when I can take it all in!

Happy Birthday!!!

Mrs. Organic said...

Hmm, I could actually use a good tilling.

Loralee and the gang... said...

Happy Birthday. Funny how those silly days make you so introspective...I remember thinking that when we're young, we think we'll have it all worked out, who you are, and how you do and feel and experience things, and now that you/we're "grownups" we realize that it's a life-long journey to figure that all out...

tiburon said...

I hope you had a super fantastic birthday! You and Olivia share the same day.

Good luck on that discovery - I have been doing a lot of that myself lately. It is fabulous.