So I have started my regimen of {ahem} water pills and the results have been rather, well, quick (in more ways than one). By the end of the first day I had lost 3 lbs of fluid and it wasn't from sweating, I'll tell you that much. My ankles, knees, and wrists decreased in circumference by 1/4 inch. EACH!Which doesn't exactly sound like much, but guess what? It equals smaller feet. I actually wore a shoe size today that I haven't had on my feet in three years (since I was pregnant, folks). Who knew?
There is a downside, however, to all this fluid-loss. Apparently there are veins, like, EVERYWHERE. Veins I never even realized I had but are now highly visible, AND look suspiciously like those of a much older lady. I do believe I've had a leg transplant (I'd just like to say them aliens are doing some pret-ty crazy experiments these days).
Some less desirable side effects of diuretics: possible light-headedness (upon rising quickly), headaches, being "pissy" (in more ways than one), and for me? also, Bionic Woman hearing.
Let me explain: Bionic Woman hearing + Pissy (as in EDGY) = Mom saying through clenched teeth, "Can you please close YOUR MOUTH when you eat?" And then also, "Can you please not use your tongue to CLEAN your teeth, even when your lips ARE closed?
And then said offender (who is approximately 20 feet away from me eating pizza) says, "Sheesh, you can HEAR that? What is wrong with you?" Okay, maybe not that last part but something rather like it that results in a little ballistic-mothering accompanied with the sudden realization that it would be best to leave while everyone's heads are still firmly atop their shoulders and not pinched off and deposited in some dumpster in a back alley somewhere.
So Mr. O obliges. I had wanted to go running, but as we were completely out of food Mr. O gently suggests that I consider food shopping instead. Boy Howdy, do I shop!
But first, on the way there I receive a phone call from a sister who asks what I'm doing. I tell her I've left the house so I won't make the 10 o'clock news. And she says, "Wait! You're going to be on the news?"
And that sorta breaks the tension that has formed between my shoulder blades and I bust up laughing while I try to explain that what I really meant was that I didn't want to be one of those mothers. You know, the kind you see being led away in handcuffs on the late night news?
Back to the shopping. Sometimes this other person who lives inside my head commandeers control of my synapses. Truly, I swear. Because I would never, ever (at least not anymore) buy all of the things that made it into my cart: baby romaine, avocados, DONUTS, BREAKFAST PASTRIES (the kind we traditionally buy only twice a year), granola bars, grapes, white flour (I mean, holy mother of all baked-evil: WHITE FLOUR!), wheat bread, SUGAR CEREAL (and not the good stuff either, the crappy kind they probably make from the droppings on the factory floor at Kelloggs and General Mills), Hostess ZINGERS, and also did I mention - WHITE FLOUR! There was probably some other stuff, but the dude enacted some sort of memory block after I took back control of the Mother Ship.
Things the robot in my head did NOT get to buy: chocolate and Dr. Pepper. So, there is that.
Things that salvaged the evening:
1. Ran into a woman to who(m?) I've been meaning to give VERY IMPORTANT insurance info and neurosurgeon referral. Info given.
2. Bought food for Mr. O to make up for burning the pizza he'd brought home. Food bought, although brought home COLD.
3. Visited with friend I haven't seen in AGES and compared our "crazy" stories. Extremely therapeutic to share "teh crazy."
4. Spent some quality sistah-hood time at Ye Olde IHOP. Good times.
But first? (Mr. O you will kindly not read any further? Else if you do, I will deny all and say I made it up for comic effect (although sadly, tragically, that would be a total LIE))
Between #2 and #3 I stuffed all three of those vanilla creme ZINGERS into my mouth. ONE RIGHT AFTER THE OTHER. So there! We are family now - bonded over my crazy and oh yeah, my cankles.
