Friday, March 4, 2011

This hole with a side of TMI

I keep writing, then backspacing, deleting. Words failing me right and left lately, I just feel like one great big complainer, and really I have no reason to complain. We are doing alright - we have health insurance, a pretty nice roof over our heads, indoor plumbing (hallelujah!), a full pantry (when I remember to stock it) and that's a sight better than some.

But then there is this constant companion I've had since December: PAIN.

I've traded one pain for another and now I wish I could have a do over. I'd much rather spend the rest of my life with a very confused uterus (mine always thought it would be nice to get out, have a look around) than to deal with the daily pain. The strange thing is I did pretty well after my hysterectomy, suffering only bladder spasms (with the word "only" being the biggest understatement of my life) and the pain you experience while the gas from the laparatomy works it's way out. The pain meds for that masked a much bigger problem.

I have three herniated disks, as well as degenerative disk disease in my neck, and canal stenosis. Currently, this causes me severe pain near my right shoulder blade, sometimes radiating up the side of neck and down my arm, making some of the fingers (and even my entire hand) on my right hand go numb. So far the effect of the steroid shot has not kicked in and neither has the new medication, which btw, the front office staff bungled completely, and had me jumping in with both feet to a med that one first dips a toe in the water, then wades in to their knees, and finally-if all looks well-takes the plunge. (I mean no wonder I felt like puking myself inside out).

I realize just how much I've taken my body for granted. Feeling pain is exhausting and therefore quite depressing. To go from lifting weights and some form of cardio every day to losing sensation in your fingers, hand and sometimes pain in your triceps/biceps area is just plain lousy. It's a burden pressing down on me and I rather like things the other way around-lifting burdens is much better than to be always suffering under them.

I tell myself I will just will my way out of this. I don't have the time to be sidelined.

There are two groups of people who begin spouting inspirational quotes, one is the Chronic Pain Sufferers and the second well, they are the newly divorced. I prefer to be in neither of these groups, but in any case, if I do start tweeting, blogging, FB status updating with inspirational quotes, please just place me under medical coma until doctors come up with a cure for my condition.

Just reading this post has likely put you all in a coma. Maybe, I'll join you. Let's all have a nice nap, and then I'm going to write myself out of this damn hole. I'm going to win this thing. I'm stubborn like that.